“A friend called to say she was going crazy once, and I said, ‘Who’s noticing that?’ You want to get next to that quiet, noticer self as a starting place.”
                          from Mary Karr’s “The Art of Memoir

This quote floored me the first time I read it. I wanted to shout to the world, “YES! THIS!!! Oh my word, THIS!” Sometimes you see something so clearly and want everyone else to see it as well. That’s this quote for me. Now that I’m not in the mire day in and day out I can see things like this better.

So do you know what this is saying? Here it is again.

“A friend called to say she was going crazy once, and I said, ‘Who’s noticing that?’ You want to get next to that quiet, noticer self as a starting place.”
                          from Mary Karr’s “The Art of Memoir

When you KNOW you’re crazy, that means a part of you ISN’T crazy. There’s a part of you that can see and think clearly. It may be the smallest part, the smallest glimmer of clarity. Some part of you that knows that something isn’t right about what you’re thinking or feeling. That part is IN you. And you know what that means? You’re not completely lost or gone. You won’t be like this forever.

And so what do you do now? You hear that part of yourself and you try to stay with it longer. Maybe that crazy part of you came out at someone who didn’t deserve it and you didn’t have the noticer self telling you to stop during it. But you realized afterwards and you regretted your actions. Choose to see that as a sign of good. And try to see that quiet, noticer self sooner. During the freak out. During the bad moment. During the down time when you’re cradling your head in your hands. And listen to it. It’s your friend. Force yourself to take action. Even the smallest action.

And remember too, that if you have committed your life to the Lord He’s given you the Holy Spirit to help you. And often times when we’re in a battle of depression it’s so very hard to see and hear Truth. Truth from the Word, truth from our friends, Truth from the Holy Spirit. But that doesn’t mean you can’t hear or won’t hear again. So you listen and pray and ask that God opens your ears. You listen and pray and when you hear that little tiny squeak of a sound of Truth you grab on! That’s your starting place.

Be intentional about the quiet, noticer self. That’s where the crazy isn’t.

Growing up, my Mom called herself a “messy,” based on a book she read about organization and clean homes. As a kid I was a “messy” too. Our entire family kept everything, except for maybe my sister who somehow knew that keeping stuff wasn’t always best. If we were compulsive messys you could call my sister a compulsive tosser. (not in the way the Brits refer to a tosser, of course!)

We didn’t have much money so I wonder if we kept stuff so that we felt like we had more money. I don’t know. We also had a lot of love and a lot of fun, so having “stuff” everywhere wasn’t really on my radar.

Fast-forward to these days of struggling with depression and the “messy” and the “stuff” are really beginning to drive me batty! The more stuff I have, the more stuff I have to manage, organize, put away, keep clean. But realizing this after I’ve already collected the stuff makes it tough to deal with. It’s overwhelming to know how to change it all.

But doing nothing just makes matters worse, so I’ve slowly been getting rid of the stuff in my house. I think it’s time now though to really, really purge.

But first, I wanted to see what the interwebs say about clutter in the house relating to clutter in the brain. There’s a LOT on the subject! Here are small excerpts on the subject, with many others writing similar things.

In an article on Psychology Today, Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D. says:

Clutter bombards our minds with excessive stimuli (visual, olfactory, tactile), causing our senses to work overtime on stimuli that aren’t necessary or important.

Clutter makes it more difficult to relax, both physically and mentally.

Clutter constantly signals to our brains that our work is never done.

On FastCompany.com, Stephanie Vozza writes a list of what else, besides depression, clutter does:

1. It steals your focus.

2. It increases stress.

3. It contributes to procrastination.

4. It costs you time and money.

5. It aggravates allergies.

6. It makes you fat.

7. It keeps you from living in the present.

Wait! Did you read that? It costs me time and money and makes me fat?!?! Mercy! And she’s not the only one saying this. It’s on medical web sites and there are studies on it!

Well, what now? I live in a home with 3 other people whom I love so I can’t just get rid of anything and everything. And we spent money on some of the crap in this house, so what about that? And do I just throw things out, or try to sell them, or give them away?

I’ll be working on a plan and will write about it. In the meantime, what has worked for YOU? Any tips you can give me on how to go from full house of stuff to bare minimum?

And which of you will join me? I know one family who is already on this journey and I’m excited to be a part of it! Want to purge even one area of your house? Just the junk drawer even?

I’m reading a post (with swearing in it, gasp!) written about Chris Cornell and his suicide and am reminded of the lengths depression goes to  and the people it hits. In the post the author Rich Larson (who I know nothing about) hit the nail on the head when he said:

“[Depression and cynicism] go hand-in-hand, along with their nasty little sister, anxiety. When the three of them get going, they just eat hope as quickly as it can be summoned. That leaves despair and despair is exhausting, not just for those who experience it, but for the people around it as well. So we keep it to ourselves because we don’t want to be a burden. And then it gets to be too much. Doesn’t matter if you’re a student, a mom, an accountant or a rock star. It doesn’t matter if you’ve written about it your entire life as a means of keeping it at bay. It doesn’t matter if the music you made about it brought in fame, respect and millions of dollars. It doesn’t matter if your entire generation has suffered from it. Depression makes you feel totally alone. You hit the breaking point, and then, like Chris Cornell, you die alone in the bathroom.

This was a well-respected member of his community; a beloved musical hero who seemed to have it all together. This could have been any of us. And brothers and sisters, if it’s you, don’t mess around with it. Please find some help.”

Yes, this! Please find some help!

Do you know how to find help? You ask someone you trust to tell you what the one thing is that you need to make sure you do today. And then you do that thing. Even if you have to nearly sleepwalk through it. Even if it means making a phone call that brings you anxiety. Even if it means walking around the block 4 times and that seems pointless. Do that one thing!

Don’t know anyone who can tell you what the next thing is? Ask me. I can’t fix you, heck I can’t even fix myself, but I can probably tell you what the next thing is.

Today, you’re not joining Chris Cornell. You’re doing the next thing. E-mail me at  mmisc (at) bitsculptor (dot) com or comment on here if you want me to help you figure out what your one thing is.

Recently I shared a story about cycling and depression over at ZwiftBlog.com. In the weeks that followed my world blew up a bit. People began contacting me left and right saying that they too deal with depression or another chronic illness. Some have said my writing has helped them understand depression a bit better. Person after person from the UK, Canada, Japan, Australia, near and far have been incredibly encouraging. “Ride On!” “Keep it up!” “Keep sharing!”

It got me thinking about the time I was spelunking in high school. We all turned our headlamps off and it was so incredibly dark you literally couldn’t see your hand just an inch from your nose. But then one little lamp came on further down the line and everything changed. You could see. It wasn’t bright, but it was no longer completely dark. I believe it’s like this for depression too. When you don’t talk about depression it stays in the dark and so do you. When you shine even just a little bit of light on it, it’s not as dark. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt as bad, or that it doesn’t hit as hard, but for me shining a light on it means it’s less daunting. It means I feel less alone. It means I can push through and make better choices through it.

Knowing there are many places in the Bible that talk about light and darkness I decided to look some up. One of my favorites is Psalm 139:7-12– “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,’ Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Can you even picture that? In that dark, dark cave where I couldn’t see my own hand He could see perfectly as though it was day. And in that dark, dark place my head goes to when I’m slumped on the floor wishing the depression would go away? He can see in and through me as though there is no darkness. I can’t run away from him! I can’t be too dark for Him! So thankful for that! So thankful!

So what is your story? Today you should share the part that needs some light shone on it. I started small. I started with one person. You can do that too. Share with someone safe and share it with God. Even though He already knows your story it makes a world of difference to speak it back to Him, acknowledging what’s going on.

Mildly humorous is the fact that “Silent No More” is the name of my first blog post, and yet I’ve written almost nothing over the last several months. That’s the funny thing about writing about depression…you have to have a bit of a functioning mind to write, and yet depression keeps your mind from functioning well. I liken it to God calling someone with only one leg to run a marathon. It’s possible, for sure. Just going to have some major things to overcome during the process.

I’ll slowly work my way back to writing regularly. I have a sign up next to my computer that says “I feel God’s pleasure when I write!” And it’s true. I do. And I long to spread the word some more of the very normal mental illness called depression.

I’m learning great things right now and I want to just spew them all over this page, but I think it’ll be too much, too fast. So I’ll leave you with this one saying that has resonated in me. A saying that my dear mentor Kathy spoke to me on our first meeting. A saying I want you to consider. What does it mean for you? How would it look in your life? Here’s what she said (and oh, how right she is!) —

“Let nothing, NOTHING, come between you and our Lord!”

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“Music… will help dissolve your perplexities and purify your character and sensibilities, and in time of care and sorrow, will keep a fountain of joy alive in you.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

In times of the darker depressions in my life I gravitate towards listening to darker, sadder music. It feeds my soul in a comforting and dark way to hear with my ears what I’m feeling inside. The confusion, the sadness, the paralysis enjoys a soundtrack that confirms and validates it all. It’s not actually helpful. I know that. It’s feeding a difficulty in me and keeping me where I know I don’t want to be.

So I try to force myself to listen to songs I can claim truth in. Songs that even though I can’t feel the peace or joy of I know I’ll really relate to someday. It might be tomorrow, it might be next month. But I need to listen to songs that mean more than just stagnant death and wallowing in my own filth. But man, it’s so much easier to wallow. At least at the time.

Below are some of the songs I enjoy. I need to listen to and claim the truth in them. These are the songs I need to play while I’m alone…so I can just be me and cry through, raise my hands through, be angry at, or do whatever else I need to do. Sometimes I don’t believe the words in these with my head, but I sing them asking God to please let me believe them.

What songs do you listen to that help you, even if you have a hard time believing them?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLHe0W9Q1Rk

Ice cream. Booze. Nap. Watch TV. Jesus.

I realized recently that’s basically been my go-to list for how to handle severe depression. While the list is quick and easy to read through getting through it in real life is usually an annoyingly long process. I start feeling the depression worsening so I’ll start with a full day of eating poorly (which generally makes me feel much worse). Then an evening where I’ll drink something terrible. I know drinking is never the answer and can lead to alcoholism, which is the reason we keep very little alcohol in the house. Napping is next and is SO appealing because not only does it seem you can sleep until you’re over the depression, but also because depression is physically exhausting! Literally! But I have jobs to do (like take care of my kids, make meals, and the like), so napping can’t happen much. And even when I am free to do it I feel terrible about my lazy self afterwards. It doesn’t help! And if it weren’t for my stinking New Year’s plan I’d then watch TV to feel better. But, like napping, I just feel terrible about my lazy self when I do move again. There really aren’t any more options in my book, so I will then try Jesus (usually DAYS after I start feeling the depression worsening)…prayer, reading a verse and/or devotional, and more praying (which often looks like complaining and begging all in one).

But I want to move Jesus up this list. What would it look like if He was the first thing I went to? Like I’m picturing a vending machine with just one slot, and the front of it used to have ice cream in it, then alcohol behind that, then a nap, TV and at the very back of that slot was Jesus. But what if when I loaded the vending machine I put Jesus in the front? That way, the next time I pushed A7 Jesus popped out first. And maybe after I met with Jesus and begged Him for help THEN I can go nap for 20 minutes. And then I can go eat something yummy. And then maybe I would put a few other things back behind Jesus in the slot…like exercise and veggies (well, maybe not veggies).

So, anyway that’s my plan for this month. September is when Jesus is in the front of my vending machine. And I’m going to write that all over my house so I remember. And I’m just going to leave the rest of the machine alone for now because let’s be honest, if I change too many things I’ll quit before the end of the month.

Who is with me? Will you move Jesus up one ring in your vending machine? He doesn’t even have to be in the front. Just up one little spot so when you push A7 it doesn’t take so long to get to him in times of despair.

I heard from Jesus last month. It was kind of a big deal. He spoke directly to my heart in a big way. You may wonder what that looks like. And if you had to guess, you’d probably think He spoke to me in the weeks leading up to a camping trip we were going on. Those were weeks filled with me (mostly internally) freaking out because the last time we were at this same exact camping spot a huge Redwood Tree branch fell on our bikes, destroying them. But that’s not when He spoke to me. He also didn’t speak to me when we slept out in the meadow during the camping trip where it was 7000 degrees during some of the days. Nor did He speak during the 5.1 earthquake that happened.

No, it was while I was sitting all cozy in front of the fire listening to our Pastor speak on various parts of the Psalms. And Jesus told me I don’t focus enough on him. Especially on this blog. That’s it. That’s all He said. But it was a big moment that I was trying so hard not to hear. And I wonder if I heard Him right then because I wasn’t focused on me. I was focused on listening and learning and gaining and receiving and worship.

Anyway, I’m kind of a big obeyer when He’s so obvious about it. So now you’re going to hear a lot more about Jesus. More of the way He can and will help you and me with our depression crap! Which may mean the posts will be even fewer and further between. Because man do I have a lot of garbage to wade through in my head. But I’ll be keeping it real, as usual, and I’ll be trying to figure out how to bring more of Him in and less of me.