I often find myself wondering “Is what I’m thinking reality?” It’s one of the scariest things I deal with because I very much value truth. To not know if my own thoughts are true freaks me out! People who deal with depression often have a ridiculous amount of lies floating through their head.
An example from my own life…a few weeks ago the black cloud of depression was lingering over me for several days in a row. About 6 hours into it (literally, 6 hours!) I couldn’t shake the thought that this is how my life has ALWAYS been. That every moment of every day of my life has been spent under this dark cloud and that it will never let up.
Over the next few days I made it through those lies without building on them or acting on them. The black cloud lifted and I began thinking rationally again.
The only way I got through those days without making those lies my new truth is because of what I chose to do BEFORE the cloud came: I choose ahead of time to be aware of my mood and believe almost nothing in my head. Yes, you read that right. I believe almost nothing in my head. If it wasn’t a true thought when I was doing well then it’s not a true thought now. And I get people who know me and love me to tell me what to believe. I do have a mind of my own and I’m intelligent, but I have too many lies in my head off and on and so I choose to believe people I trust during that time. If I am believing something negative (“My kids would thrive if it weren’t for my depression.” “I’m good at nothing.”) and especially if it’s an absolute (“I can’t make ANY good food.” “My life is NEVER going to be good.”) I choose to not listen. It’s so hard to do though, and that’s why I have to decide to make those choices BEFORE I am in that bad place.
But I hate it. I hate that I can’t trust my own thoughts at times. They are in my head. It’s MY head!
Maybe someday I’ll have my brain back. Until then:
- I Ask God to fill my head with His Truths
- I try to memorize Bible verses (I got this idea from Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free”)
- I keep myself in the Word
- I do a lot of apologizing to people who feel the ripple of my acting on the falsehoods in my head