(Disclaimer: This post is about hostage situations, with all of my research coming from shows I’ve seen, not real life. I started to research hostage situations to gain a better understanding of what happens in real life and it super creeped me out. So you get the TV version.)
I realized recently that there’s a bit of a hostage situation going on quite frequently in my head. The problem is, I’m not only the Hostage-Taker, I’m also the Negotiator AND the Hostage. How is that even possible?
Picture, if you will, your favorite cop show…Blue Bloods, CSI, whatever. Picture the hostage, the perp, and the negotiator. The hostage often times sits there wishing and hoping and praying. They are fearful and just want to be released. To be free. They’ve probably thought of past failures or regrets, as well as relationships they want to mend, things they want to pursue but haven’t, a better and newer life they are hoping to have. They just want to be free again.
Then there’s the hostage taker. They are often frantic, demanding, psychotic, sweaty, paranoid. They have demands and have no plans to release the hostage or be taken into custody. They want certain things and they are clearly willing to do pretty crazy things to get them.
Lastly, there’s the negotiator. The one who seems calm, has ideas, makes deals, smooth talks, and decides how and when things will do down. They often times have resources and all the answers. They seem to control the situation from outside the building.
This is just about how it goes in my head too. One part wanting to be free, rethinking life. One part wanting to control, but acting erratically, scaring the hostage. One part seeming to be in control but just making deals that could go either way.
But I don’t want to be all three. Or at the very least I want to be the best part of each. I want to be thinking about doing life well, while working incredibly hard for what I want, while controlling the situation.
I don’t know how to do that though. How do I weed out all the yuck? And how do I take the good of each and leave the bad? Have you figured it out? What would you do? Have you ever been the full chaos of a hostage situation? Please, share!
Your analysis is powerful and a profound insight into the human condition. Reminds me of Psalms 131. King David likens himself to a weaned child who crawls up in their mothers lap. Sees himself as a king and a little child at the same time. Seems like a contradiction but it probably closer to reality than anything else. God does not have any contradictions but He is often mysterious. Life is full of contradictions and maybe even more mysteries.
CR has given me the tools and support to examine my defective thinking patterns, the reasons I developed them and the support and encouragement I need to keep moving forward on this journey. I am seeing myself less as the hostage or hostage taker and more like the negotiator who has a complete overview of the situation and works through it to a good conclusion. There are still difficult times but I am feeling an acceptance for myself that I never had before.