The following is something I wrote on a day that was pretty rough for me. It’s unedited. Raw. I hope that if you are dealing with depression as well you may be able to relate, thereby feeling less alone. If you’ve never been depressed though, this may help you to see a little of the struggle that people with depression go through. I’d also like to add that often times in the worst of my depression it’s hard to express feelings so this post is actually not even the worst of the crazy.
“Today isn’t good. Well it might be good, but I’m slogging through mire so it feels all bad. Although when I say I’m slogging through mire it sounds like I’m making some sort of forward momentum but I’m not. And I ate all the bad foods in the house today. And I’m mad, but I have no good reason to be mad. But I can’t stop being mad. And I feel gross, which is probably because of the food. And it’s 10:14 at night and I should just go to bed but I just want to eat all of the bad stuff some more, even though it will make me feel worse. And I don’t care. And I don’t want to use punctuation anymore because it’s annoying. And I want everyone reading this to think I’m amazing even in my brokenness, but at the same time I want pity. Is it possible to be amazing and pitiful at the same time? I don’t even know. I’m going now to eat a cookie. Why did my husband and daughter make cookies? Because I hid my pain well enough today so that they didn’t know I couldn’t handle the cookies in the house. My poor family.”